Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Review of stylish dress up games for girls::How to Dress in New York







Review of stylish dress up games for girls::How to Dress in New York








               CHAPTER               1
               I               suppose               you               expect               me               to               say               that               my               life               became               one               big               paradise               after               my               making               aliyah-               well,               it               didn't.

Not               right               away,               anyway.
               First               off,               there               was               this               boy               Jimmy               who               moved               with               me.

I               mean               that               his               family               made               aliyah               when               mine               did.

We               went               to               the               same               shul.

And               he               went               to               my               school               for               a               while,               too.

But               then               he               switched               schools,               and               became               distant               from               the               rest               of               us               at               shul,               like               he               no               longer               knew               us.
               We               lived               in               a               two-story               white               stone               house               on               a               hill               at               the               end               of               a               cul-de-sac               in               northern               Israel               .

It               overlooked               the               scrubby               hills               and               desert-like               plains               near               the               growing               metropolis               of               Carmiel               and               the               Arab               village               of               Rama               .

Jimmy's               family               lived               right               down               the               street.

Their               family               had               an               orange               grove               which               flourished               in               their               own               backyard               and               threatened               to               take               over               the               neighboring               yard               as               well.

I               guess               that               was               the               subject               of               the               day               at               my               parents'               house,               because               coming               home               from               school               one               day               they               let               loose               that               Jimmy               had               been               attacked               by               a               resident               neighbor               simply               for               being               a               member               of               the               offending               family.
               "Attacked?"               I               asked               incredulously.

"But               they've               hardly               even               moved               in!"
               There               was               a               knock               at               the               front               door,               followed               by               a               loud               barking.

"Ruff               ruff,"               I               said.

"Clover,               shut               up."
               "You               get               it,               honey,"               my               mother               said.

Just               that               moment,               there               was               a               loud               "ftach               et               ha               delet"               from               behind               the               door.

Apparently,               someone               wanted               us               to               open               the               door.

Someone               with               a               very               loud,               very               deep               Israeli               voice.
               My               mother               peered               through               the               hole.

"Police,"               she               announced,               and               instead               of               answering               the               door,               she               stood               back               and               said               "Honey,               you               should               probably               answer               it.

They're               probably               going               to               ask               about               Jimmy's               case."
               Case?

Jimmys?

What               the               heck?

But               before               I               could               demand               any               more               of               my               mother,               the               door               swung               open.
               "Excuse               me,               could               I               speak               to               your               mother,"               the               policeman               said.
               The               policeman               was               a               towering               presence.

He               had               to               have               been               six-foot               three.

The               booming               voice               didn't               do               anything               to               alleviate               my               nerves,               either.

I               was               scared.
               "Slicha,"               I               said,               and               bravely               stood               my               ground.

"My               mother               doesn't               want               to               talk               right               now,               and               besides,               you               wouldn't               want               to               talk               to               her               anyway."
               The               policeman               ignored               this               bard               and               focused               his               eyes               on               me.

"I               would               like               you               to               tell               me               everything               you               know               about               Jimmy               Goldgrabber."               He               pronounced               the               name               "Jeem-ee               Goldgghrabberrh,"               so               it               was               all               I               could               do               not               to               laugh.

"Um,"               I               said,               covering               the               side               of               my               mouth               with               one               hand,               "Ani               lo               midaveret               Ivrit."               I               don't               speak               Hebrew.

I               understood               it               well               enough,               but               to               ask               me               to               have               a               conversation               with               this               armored,               hulking               beast-a               two-way               conversation,               at               that-was               downright               unreasonable.
               "Lo               ichpat               li,"               he               said.

It               doesn't               matter.

He               didn't               care;               he               was               going               to               get               what               he               wanted               out               of               me               whether               I               desired               it               or               not.
               "Ma               at               yoda'at               al               ha               chutzpan               haze               Jeem-ee?"               What               do               you               know               about               this               troublemaker               Jimmy.

I               didn't               laugh               this               time.
               "Um,"               I               said               while               I               paced               on               the               linoleum               in               the               front               entranceway,               and               tried               to               think               back.
               Jimmy               had               been               introduced               to               me               in               the               fifth               grade,               an               aberration               if               there               ever               was               one.

At               that               time,               girls               didn't               talk               to               boys               (although               in               my               little               brother's               grade,               they               were               early               bloomers               and               started               to               go               out               in               fifth,               sometimes               in               forth               grades),               but               were               introduced               to               each-other               by               their               parents.

By               their               muddling,               interfangling               parents               if               any               word               could               be               used               to               describe               them.
               I               had               been               're-introduced'               to               Jimmy               (or               you               could               say               re-acquainted,               because               our               parents               didn't               introduce               us               this               time)               on               the               bus               last               week.

Jimmy               had               been               sitting               in               the               front               seat               of               the               bus,               and               I               in               the               seat               directly               behind               him.

Well,               I               didn't               know               anybody-you               can't               blame               me.
               "Clarissa,"               he               had               said               to               me               as               the               bus               had               carted               down               the               sloping               street               of               our               little               village,               "what               do               you               know               about               slugs?"
               What?

I               had               thought               as               I               absorbed               what               he               had               said.

What               kind               of               moron               was               he?

What               had               all               these               years               at               public               school               done               to               him?
               I               tried               to               be               brave               and               said,               "Jimmy               Goldgrabber,               right?"
               Jimmy               ignored               me               and               said,               "Clarissa               Steinhart,               right?

You               went               to               my               school,               right?

And               then               I               left               and               went               to               a               different               school,               but               we               still               went               to               the               same               shul.

Remember?"
               Of               course               I               remembered,               but               I               was               trying               to               pretend               I               didn't.

Well,               if               he               spoke               in               complete               sentences               like               this,               then               why               did               he               start               by               asking               me               the               question               about               the               slugs?

Was               he               a               loser               or               not?
               "Jimmy,               of               course               I               remember,"               I               said,               trying               to               keep               my               cool.

"The               question               is,               why               did               you               start               by               asking               me               about               the               slugs?"               There.

I               had               put               it               to               him.

I               would               get               my               answer               now.
               Jimmy               folded               his               arms               and               sat               back               in               his               seat.

"Because               I               wanted               to               test               you,"               he               said.
               Just               at               that               moment,               the               loudspeaker               erupted               with               noise:               "Yeladim!"               (Children!)               Tafsiku               lihishtolell!

(Stop               running               wild!)               Jimmy               and               I               had               been               almost               standing               in               our               seats,               but               we               hadn't               noticed               it.

Jimmy               grounded               and               said,               "But               I               just               sat               down!"
               "Quiet,"               I               said,               "or               else               he'll               hear               us."
               "Does               it               really               matter?"               Jimmy               said.

"The               bus'll               probably               run               flat               on               its               face               before               we               reach               school,               anyway."
               I               was               shocked.

"What               are               you               saying?"               I               said,               covering               my               mouth               with               my               left               hand               (the               one               with               the               stars               and               stripes,               not               the               one               with               the               balloons-Independence               day               happened               so               long               ago               anyway).

"Are               you               trying               to               anger               the               driver               enough               to               get               us               killed?"               And               at               that               point               I               turned               in               my               seat               and               hugged               the               window,               glad               I               could               get               an               excuse               to               write               him               off               once               and               for               all.
               "I               don't               think               you're               making               very               much               sense               now,"               Jimmy               said,               obviously               angered               by               my               refusal               to               engage               him.

"I               think               you               need               some               sense               put               into               you."
               Some               sense               definitely               had               to               be               put               into               me.

Some               sense               to               stay               away               from               Jimmy.

"Whatever,"               I               said.
               What               did               end               up               going               wrong,               however,               was               that               Jimmy               drove               all               the               teachers               wild.
               The               classes               were               co-educational               for               some               classes,               single-sex               for               others.

And               while               Jimmy               didn't               take               offense               to               the               co-educational               classes,               he               definitely               erupted               at               the               thought               of               splitting               each               class               down               the               middle               along               gender               lines.
               "But               Clarissa               here!"               he               said,               pointing               to               me               in               a               very               demonstrative               manner,               in               front               of               the               clutch               of               teachers               that               had               grown               very               quickly               since               he               had               started               shouting,               "Clarissa               is               my               best               friend!

You               can't               take               me               away               from               her!"
               Thankfully,               one               of               the               teachers,               who               had               spoken               and               understood               English               very               well,               had               the               presence               of               mind               to               wait               him               out               (and               not               enter               into               a               shouting               match).

"Jimmy,"               he               had               said,               "we               are               a               religious               school.

Religious               schools               don't               have               young               men               and               women               learning               religious               topics               together."
               "But               I               did               at               my               school,"               I               said.

At               once               I               was               the               center               of               attention.

My               cheeks               flushed               and               my               ears               got               hot.
               "We're               not               asking               what               you               did               at               your               school,"               one               of               the               teachers,               a               woman,               said               to               me               in               broken               English.

Her               black               headscarf               looked               menacing.

"You're               only               Conservative,"               it               seemed               to               say.

(Our               family               was               only               Conservative,               and               not               Orthodox)
               "Enough,"               the               man               addressing               Jimmy               said               in               his               American-accented               English               (I               wonder               if               the               other               teachers               were               looking               on               with               awe               or               if               that               silent               seriousness               on               their               faces               was               obedience).
               "It's               okay,"               I               said               to               the               teacher               as               he               stared               at               me,               "he's               not               my               best               friend.

He's               only               an               acquaintance."
               "What?"               Jimmy               looked               angrily               at               me,               and               then               down               at               the               floor.

I               could               feel               the               heat               radiating               angrily               off               of               him.

You               would               want               to               get               close               to               him               at               this               point,               I               thought.

Nor               would               any               slug.
               "You               step               back               here,"               the               tall,               powerful               (it               seemed               like)               male               teacher               said               to               Jimmy,               indicating               the               principal's               office.

He               must               have               been               the               principal               after               all.
               "And               enough               standing               around,"               he               said               to               the               teachers               in               Hebrew               (this               I               could               understand).

The               teachers               moved               grumpily               away.
               "Anything               you               give,               you               get               back               in               return,"               he               said,               sighing,               to               the               two               of               us.

"I               was               like               you               once."
               Jimmy               turned               his               back               and               walked               with               the               principal               to               the               principal's               office.

Fine,               Jimmy,               I               thought.

Be               that               way.
               Chapter               2               The               sechug
               The               largest               threat               ever               facing               me               from               the               Israel               end               of               things               came               from               food.

I'm               not               kidding-food.

It               had               been               my               nemesis               since               I               had               gotten               to               Israel               and               would               continue               to               be               my               nemesis               even               after               I               left.

Here's               the               thing:               never               eat               zchug               on               an               empty               stomach.
               Zchug:               a               pasty               solid               which               people               like               to               call               a               spread-you               spread               it               on               your               pita,               lafa,               whatever               (I               have               some               friends               who               even               used               to               use               it               on               challah-I               mean,               talk               about               desecrating               the               Sabbath).

Now,               zchug               is               not               just               spicy.

It               doesn't               just               burn               your               tongue               off.

It               roasts               it.
               I               was               learning               to               speak               Hebrew               and               it               was               like               I               was               talking               out               of               a               coma.

My               tongue               was               put               out               of               commission               for               two               weeks.

I               talked               and               talked               but               it               was               like               my               tongue               was               wagging               and               flopping               inside               my               mouth               with               no               focus,               all               that               came               out               was               spittle.

Which               is               I               guess               appropriate,               given               the               nature               of               Hebrew-a               guttural,               spit-filled               language.
               At               lunch               one               day               Neelee               asked               if               I               could               try               it.

"Sure,"               I               said,               trying               to               imitate               her               spit-filled               accent.

And               then               it               happened.
               My               tongue               roasted.
               "Rissa,               are               you               okay?"               my               friend               Naor               said               to               me               (we               were               permitted               to               eat               together).
               "Ahhhh!!!"               I               told               him,               and               raced               to               the               bathroom.
               "Stop               running!"               one               of               the               teachers               said.
               "Fuck,               fuck,               fuck.

Shit,               shit,"               I               whispered,               and               splashed               water               in               my               mouth.
               It               didn't               abate.

It               got               worse.
               "Shit,"               I               said,               and               crying,               retreated               to               the               table.
               Naor               was               laughing.
               "Fuck               you,"               I               said.
               "Fuck               what?

I               no               hear."
               "Fuck               you."
               "Stop               it,"               Neelee               said.

"You               must               eat               bread,"               she               said               in               her               beautiful,               mellifluous               Hebrew.
               "Fucking..."               and               then               I               stopped.
               I               ate               the               bread.
               "Hey,               Clarissa!"               It               was               Jimmy.

He               was               followed               by               a               sternly               clad               police               officer.

"You               going               to               jail               with               me?"
               Chapter               3--
               I               should               tell               you               now,               Jimmy               is               no               fun               in               jail-or               anywhere.

He               gets               all               dirty               from               rolling               around               in               the               dirt               in               the               bottom               of               the               cell               and               lets               out               trumpet               blasts               of               air               when               he's               panting,               which               is               often.

He               does               it               to               get               my               attention-I               know               it.

But               what               should               I               do,               you               tell               me?

Should               I               reject               him,               now               that               he's               so               attached               to               me?

He               can't               help               that               I'm               so               beautiful!

Even               my               daddy               says               so.
               Back               to               the               present:               "What               the               (bleep)?"               I               yell,               ready               to               throw               a               punch               at               anyone,               anything.
               "Clarissa,"               Jimmy               repeats               snidely,               "you               are               going               with               me.

You               are               under               arrest.

I               hereby               read               you               your               rights."
               "Shtok               (shut               up),"               the               policeman               said.

"You're               coming               with               me.

And               I'm               sorry               to               take               you               out               of               your               lunch               hour."
               Four               days               had               passed               since               I               had               started               school.

Now               I               was               being               arrested.
               "Okay,"               I               said.

I               said               goodbye               to               Neelee               and               Naor               (who               gave               me               a               thumbs               up).

"I               no               know               you               can               swear               so               well,"               he               told               me.
               The               policeman               pushed               me               in               front               of               him               and               said,               "March."
               "Pretty               ironic,               huh,"               Jimmy               said,               smiling-"the               pretty               perfect               girl               from               America               ,               who               even               speaks               a               little               Hebrew,               going               to               jail."
               "I               don't               see               how               my               superiority               has               to               do               with               anything,"               I               said               to               Jimmy.
               "Oh,               it               has               everything               to               do               with               everything,"               he               said.

"And               it               can               help               me               get               out               of               this               mess."
               Confused?

I               was.
               But               first,               we               need               to               go               back               to               a               time               when               the               sabertooth               tiger               still               existed,               when               triceratops               roamed               the               plains,               and               when               humans               were               nothing               but               a               dust               mote               in               some               primitive               rodent's               eye.

In               other               words,               we               need               to               go               back               to               when               I               wasn't               born               yet,               when               my               superiority               didn't               yet               rule               the               universe.
               I               was               a               bit               confused               back               then,               as               well.
               All               my               life,               I               had               been               perfect:               perfect               grades,               perfect               pigtails,               perfectly               complimentary               friends.

My               daddy               loved               me.

My               momma               adored               me.

So               I               suppose               you               could               say               I               was               ingenious,               after               a               fashion.

Adorable.

Cute.

Hot,               even               (well               come               on,               even               you               agree).

But               I               never               knew               how               to               love.
               Until               I               met               Jimmy.
               I               don't               know               what               it               took               for               me               to               love               Jimmy,               what               made               me               do               it.

But               I               do               know               that               it               started               right               there,               in               that               prison.
               "You               see,"               Jimmy               insinuated,               hissing               his               face               up               to               my               ear,               "I               need               your               skills               of               acting               like               an               innocent               twerp               to               get               me               out               of               this               mess."
               "You               framed               me!"               I               yelled               at               him.

"You               said               to               them               I'm               involved               in               whatever               plot               you               have               to               conquer               the               neighbor's               backyard               or               whatever               ruckus               you               have               planned               lately!

Maybe               you               should               go               back               to               the               slugs,               your               friends.

They               like               dirt.

But               whatever               you               have               planned,               keep               your               dirty               hands               off               me."
               The               policeman               shoved               his               hands               in               between               the               two               of               us.
               "I               know               you               like               each-other,"               he               said,               "but               this               is               not               the               time."
               "What               did               he               say?"               Jimmy               asked.
               "He               said               that               you               should               get               down               on               all               fours               and               do               twenty.

Knocks               to               the               head,               that               is."
               "Oh,               very               funny."
               "Quiet!"               the               policeman               said.

"This               is               the               last               time."
               We               were               walking               down               the               path               to               the               car.

We               passed               a               couple               of               olive               trees.

Jimmy               took               one               and               began               to               chew.
               "Can't               eat               that,"               the               policeman               said.

"Too               bitter."
               "Huh?"               Jimmy               said.
               "He               said               you               gotta               chew               them               real               hard,"               I               said.
               "Shut               up,               Clarissa,"               said               Jimmy.
               After               a               couple               more               steps,               Jimmy               started               retching.

"Clarissa!"               he               gasped.
               "Enough,"               the               policeman               said.

"Get               into               the               car."
               We               reached               the               car;               the               policeman               had               a               friend               in               the               driver's               seat.

He               was               bearded               and               looked               sort               of               like               a               rabbi.

(Of               course,               you               wouldn't               be               able               to               distinguish               which               religious               sect               he's               from.)
               "What               are               you               doing               here?"               The               Bearded               Man               accosted               me               suspiciously.

His               Hebrew               was               heavily               accented.
               "What?"               Jimmy               said.
               "OK,               American,"               the               bearded               Rabbi               said               in               barely               coherent               English,               turning               to               Jimmy:               "You               tell               me               now,               in               English.

Vat               is               going               on?"
               Jimmy               looked               confused.

"What               is               he               saying?"               he               said.
               "He's               saying               you               have               a               small               penis."
               "Clarissa,               fuck               you,"               he               said.

"What               exactly               are               you               saying               to               me?"               he               addressed               the               policeman.

"Please               say               it               again."
               "He               ees               saying,"               said               the               first               policeman,               who               was               balding               (either               intentionally               or               not,               we               didn't               know)               "that               he               vants               to               know               ha-wat               is               going               on?

Zey               do-not               tell               us               a               lot               from               ze               intelligence.

Eet               is               important               zat               we               know,               zo,               because               we               are               eenterested,               you               see."               He               peered               at               us,               alternating               from               Jimmy               to               me,               until               he               was               satisfied.

He               winked.

"Yes,               you               know,"               he               said               to               me.

"You               know               what               I               am               saying."
               "Don't               fraternize               with               the               prisoners,"               the               bearded               policeman               said.
               "Religious               twerp,"               he               said               to               the               religious               man               in               Hebrew.

"Always               trying               to               tell               us               what               to               do."
               We               rode               the               rest               of               the               time               in               silence-until               we               got               to               the               police               station.
               ........................................................................
               "But               wait!"               I               said               to               Clarissa.

"Are               you               sure               you're               not               making               anything               up?"               I               smiled               at               her.

"Drug               ring?"
               "Fucking               seriously,"               Clarissa               said               to               me.

"Do               you               think               I'd               be               making               up               something               like               that?"
               "Well,               no.

Probably               not."
               Clarissa               laughed               like               a               hyena.

"Seriously,               Samantha,               you               really               think               all               that               is               fake?"
               "No,"               I               said.

I               opened               the               window               a               crack.

Sounds               of               students               talking               filtered               in:               it               was               a               nice               warm               day               out,               people               would               be               playing               frisbee.
               "Want               to               go               out?"               I               said.
               "What,               to               those               morons               outside?"               That's               classic               Clarissa               for               you.
               "No,               for               your               own               health!"
               "Fuck               health.

Booz               is               what               matters."
               I               sighed.

Clearly               this               wasn't               getting               anywhere.
               "Listen,               you               want               me               to               tell               you               the               story               or               not?"
               "Fine.

Go               on."
               "I               haven't               gotten               to               the               drug               ring               part               yet."
               "I               understand!"
               "Okay,               listen               carefully."
               ________________________
               Chapter               4
               The               stay               at               prison               was               pretty               dreary.

The               accommodations               were               suitable               for               high-class               prisoners               at               Alcatraz--except               for               the               fact               that               they               made               us               wear               white               shirts               and               blue               pants.

I               know               that               the               stereotypical               American               zebra               suit               is               what               people               usually               have               in               their               minds...

and               our               outfit               was               definitely               more               stylish.

One               prison               guard               actually               commented               on               how               good               I               looked               in               it.
               "Thanks,"               I               said.
               "Ah,               Eenglish?"               he               said.

"You               are               American."
               "Yep."
               "Ah,               nice!"               he               said               in               Hebrew.

"You               come               and               make               aliyah?"
               "Yes,"               I               said.
               "Ah,               you               come               to               my               house,               you               eat               schnitzel!"               he               said.

"You               meet               my               wife!"
               "Sure!"               I               said.

I               was               reasonably               interested               in               getting               away               from               my               parents,               anyway.
               We               unpacked               our               bags               (which               had               probably               been               packed               just               before),               which               consisted               of               one               set               of               everything:               pants,               undies,               shirts,               white               pants,               a               blue               dress,               and               a               toothbrush               for               brushing               teeth               and               fungus               of               your               limbs,               which               resulted               from               the               seat               of               a               corroded               toilet.

For               a               backwater               prison               in               the               North               of               Israel,               however,               the               facility               was               definitely               pretty               modern.
               See,               these               guards               had               brand               new               fountain               pens,               and               I               know               this               because               they               twirled               them               when               they               were               bored               (which               was               always).

They               were               all               hairless               on               the               top               of               their               heads,               and               had               bad               attitudes.

And               the               guard               let               me               have               a               cigarette.
               It               was               a               faded,               slightly               dry,               slightly               brown               sort               of               cigarette               that               blended               in               with               the               prison               walls.

Jimmy               wanted               it               but               I               didn't               give               it               to               him.

The               cigarette               brought               back               memories               of               such               innocent               experiences...

like               whiffing               marijuana               for               the               first               time               on               a               blustery               spring               day               in               seventh               grade,               when               we               thought               the               Rabbis               weren't               looking,               and               then               almost               getting               caught               for               it!

Thank               goodness               some               rabbis               are               susceptible               to               the               cute               flirt.

But               some               rabbis               don't               even               know               what               marijuana               is,               or               looks               like.
               Anyway.
               Scratched               on               the               prison               walls               was               some               mantra               which               involved               saying               some               Rabbi               named               Nachman's               name               over               and               over               again...

if               you               said               it               enough               times               out               loud,               it               might               bring               messiah.

I               said               it               a               few               times,               and               then               scratched               my               name               on               the               wall.

I               thought               of               what               message               to               write,               and               then               thought               "this               is               fucked               up."               So               I               wrote               "this               is               fucked               up."
               In               Hebrew.
               I               sat               down               to               think.

It               seemed               like               I               hadn't               done               much               thinking               in               the               past               few               days-with               my               first               day               at               school,               dealing               with               my               parents'               worried               blusterings               about               how               they'll               fit               in,               dealing               with               Jimmy,               the               principal,               the               teachers.

It               seemed               like               the               only               people               I               could               trust               were               my               friends.
               Neelee               I               met               when               we               were               both               talking               about               how               we               weren't               familiar               with               the               language,               and               how               many               tests               they               were               going               to               force               us               to               take               this               year.

Turns               out               her               parents               are               Russian,               and               although               I               thought               of               her               as               Israeli,               she               had               moved               there               only               three               years               before.
               "But               your               accent               is               so               beautiful!"               I               said               to               her               at               lunch,               the               day               we               met.
               "Don't               trust               the               accent.

Thank               you,               also.

I               trust               you               don't               think               your               own               accent               is               beautiful               as               well?"
               "It               sounds               like               I'm               crapping               through               my               mouth."
               Neelee               laughed.

"Not               so               much."
               "Yeah,               not               so               much,"               I               said.

"Only               when               you're               listening               really               closely."
               On               the               first               day               of               school,               she               had               saved               me               from               embarrassment               when               I               pissed               off               the               menacing-looking               woman               in               the               black               headscarf.
               "You               see,"               Mrs.

Rothenberger               had               said,               as               she               was               polishing               off               a               class               on               Isshiut-the               science               of               being               a               good               Jewish               woman-"a               woman               has               to               anticipate               the               needs               of               her               husband               and               make               herself               available               to               him."
               I               looked               around               at               everyone               else:               taking               notes               as               if               nothing               had               happened.

I               raised               my               hand.

"You               think               you               can               just               say               that,               without               worrying               about               how               it'll               make               us               all               act-as               slaves               to               our               husbands!"
               A               few               girls               gasped.

A               couple               of               them               smiled               at               me.
               "You               were               not               called               upon,               but               I               will               address               your               comment,"               she               said.

Neelee               elbowed               me               in               the               ribs;               I               sat               up               straight.
               "If               you               were               paying               attention               to               the               whole               lecture,               we               were               talking               about               behavior               in               the               context               of               the               bedroom,"               she               said,               a               bit               snippeshly.
               So               I               was               supposed               to               understand               the               entire               lecture               now?

"Um,"               I               said.

"In               America,               it               might               be               different."
               "Really?

Please               tell               us,"               Mrs.

Rothenberger               responded.
               "Um,"               I               said.

I               looked               around               at               everyone               else.

The               students               all               looked               at               me               expectantly.

"It               just               is,"               I               said.
               "I               don't               know               how               'it               just               is'               constitutes               an               answer,"               she               said.
               "Um,"               I               said.

I               felt               myself               turning               beet               red.

I               decided               to               strike               back.

"Well,               we're               not               tied-down               all               the               time,               you               know...

long               skirts..."               I               paused,               to               see               their               reaction,               and               continued:               "worrying               about               pissing               off               the               men...you               know"               I               paused,               and               breathed               in               again.

"We're               not               scared."               I               stopped               talking.

Mrs.

Rothenberger               stared               at               me.

I               stared               back.
               "Okay,"               she               said.

"Good.

Let's               move               on."
               That               whole               time,               Neelee               had               been               pulling               on               my               knee               with               her               foot.

If               she               hadn't               been,               I               don't               know               what               would               have               happened.

Perhaps               it               would've               went               like               this:
               I               waited               for               Mrs.

Rothenberger               to               insult               me,               or               to               somehow               just               get               back               at               me.
               "Okay,"               she               said.
               "Well,"               I               said.

"Fucking..."
               A               couple               of               the               girls               gasped.
               "What               did               you               just               say?"               the               teacher               said,               astonished,               her               eyes               narrowing.
               "Um,"               I               said.

"Sorry."
               "She's               sorry,"               Neelee               says               quickly.

She               always               covers               for               me.

"It's               just               how               she               talks."
               "We               do               not               swear               in               this               classroom,"               the               teacher               said,               her               black               headscarf               drooping               a               bit               over               her               eyelids.
               Conclusion:               I               am               sent               to               the               principal's               office               and               suspended.
               Thank               the               Lord               I               just               politely               shut               my               mouth               and               let               the               lecture               stream               on               uninterrupted.

Thank               God               for               Neelee.

She               saved               my               skin,               but-I               could               have               left               a               lasting               impression               on               those               young               minds.

I               left               them               to               their               religious               misery.
               ****************************
               "You               sure?"               Samantha               asked.

"It               sounds               like               you're               the               miserable               one               in               this               story."
               "Watch               it,               fuckface,"               I               told               her.

"You               could               be               next."
               "What,               in               the               parade               of               never-ending               stories               about               Clarissa               Steinhart?

I               don't               fear,               they're               all               about               you               anyway!"
               "Anyway,               the               point               is,               if               Neelee               hadn't               been               distracting               me,               I               really               would               have               started               on               one               of               my               rants.

One               of               my               epic               rants."
               "Epic               rants,"               Samantha               agreed.

She               paused;               then               she               said:               "Where'd               you               learn               to               swear               like               that,               anyway?"
               "Never               mind               that,"               I               muttered.

It               actually               was               my               older               brother.
               "I               guess               I'll               just               have               to               do               my               own               independent               research."
               Chapter               5
               But               I               never               told               you               about               our               time               in               prison.

So               let               me               do               that.
               Jimmy               was               all               full               of               these               obsessions               and               loathings               that               had               to               do               with               me.

He               absolutely               detested               me,               As               if               it               was               my               fault               we               ended               up               in               that               place!
               "Clarissa,               it's               clear,"               he               said.

"Remember               when               we               got               to               first               know               each-other?"               I               did.

"And               it               was               good,               right?

Uh-huh?

Yeah?

You               know?"
               I               knew.
               "And               didn't               that               mean               anything               to               you?"               he               repeated.
               "What?"               I               said.

I               was               confused.

Mean               what?

What               should               it               mean?

What               does               it               mean?

You               tell               me,               Samantha.

You               tell               me               what               all               this               shit               means.

I               am               invited               over               to               his               house.

We               smoke               some               weed               downstairs.

Everything               is               good.

And               then               I               leave               with               my               family!

I               mean,               goddamnit!

Why               is               God               so               evil?

Jimmy               has               to               rail               on               how               he               is               all               hung               up               over               me               not               calling               him               ever               (like               I               ever               did),               and               my               not               returning               his               calls,               the               horrible               bitch               that               I               am.

Although               I               was               too               young               to               be               a               bitch               at               that               time.

Maybe               just               a               cunt.

But               poor               little               Jimmy.

He               goes               into               the               drug               business,               after               that.

He's               a               pusher.

He               be               a               pusher.

El               habla               espanol.

He's               multicultural.
               Ah,               globalism.

Globalismo,               in               the               Spanish.

I'm               very               educated,               after               all.
               And               a               pussy.

I               mean,               why               didn't               I               give               Jimmy               a               call?

I               suppose               I'll               never               know.
               So               we               parted               ways,               me               and               Jimmy.

I               continued               on               doing               what               I               do               best,               and               Jimmy               started               his               own               empire.
               "I               became               a               king,               Clarissa,"               he               said,               contently,               like               a               fat               cat               with               a               cigar               in               his               mouth.

He               leaned               his               back               against               the               grimy               wall               and               let               it               absorb               the               scum               which               had               been               festering               there               since               G-d               knows               when.

His               back               was               probably               full               of               the               porous               stuff               by               now.

We'd               been               here               for               two               whole               hours.
               Mostly,               he'd               been               humming               popular               tunes               over               and               over               again               while               the               other               prisoners               yelled               at               him               to               stop               or               asked               him               what               song               it               was.
               "Ever               hear               of               Beethoven?"               one               prisoner               asked.
               Jimmy               continued               talking,               then               frowned.
               "No,               don't               listen               to               him,"               another               prisoner               said.

He               was               a               bearded               Rabbi-type               who               looked               like               he               hadn't               eaten               bread               or               water               for               two               full               days.

"Want               to               hear               a               niggun?"
               "My               name               is               Jimmy,"               he               told               the               prisoner.

"Nice               to               meet               you.

And               this               here,"               and               he               pointed               to               me               in               the               cell               across               from               him,               "is               Clarissa."
               "Very               nice               to               meet               you,"               the               Rabbi-Figure               said.

He               let               us               keep               talking.
               "So               anyway,"               he               said,               "I               became               a               king.

And               I               reveled               in               my               kingship.

I               was               glorified               in               it.

My               honor               was               a               garment               for               me;               my               enemies               fell               before               me.

Because               my               honor               told               the               older               thugs               to               do               it.

And               they               didn't               know               it               was               me."
               "What               are               you               talking               about?"
               "You               see,               Clarissa-pie,"               he               said               with               pointed               acerbity,               "I               enacted               this               enterprise               with               the               Internet.

Chat               rooms,               Myspace,               anything               you               can               name.

I               did               it.

I               spread               myself               all               over,               made               myself               an               entrepreneur.

I               was               a               creative               shit.

A               creative               little               shit."
               "You               are               verifiably               crazy."
               "So               I               am.

Kill               me."
               "No.

I               can't.

And               even               if               I               could,               I'd               go               to               hell               and               have               to               be               with               you."
               Jimmy               stared               back.

"Ah!

So               you               do               like               me!

What               a               nice               surprise!"
               I               eyed               him.

Didn't               what               I               say               have               the               opposite               connotation?
               "Enough,"               Jimmy               waved               his               hand.

"Let               me               proceed."
               "Fuck               that,"               I               said.

"You're               just               wasting               time.

Just               get               to               the               part               where               you               get               arrested,               for               whatever...

it               was               you               were               doing.

And               why               I'm               also               suspected               of               aiding               you               in               your               latest               ploy               to               take               over               the               world."
               "Ah,               resorting               to               clichés!

This               I               like!"               He               was               definitely               getting               annoying.
               "Too               much,"               I               said.
               "Fine,               fine.

I'll               get               to               it.

But               first,               do               you               want               some               prune               juice?"               He               offered               me               something               from               his               tray.
               "No,"               I               said.
               "Fine,               be               that               way!"               he               said.

"Anyway...
               "You               listening?
               "They               took               me               to               prison               first               time               in               eighth               grade.

Juvie,               they               called               it.

In               Juvie,               there               were               many               different               kinds               of               kids.

Being               a               New-York               Jew               and               all,               and               then               a               Los-Angeles               Jew,               I               didn't               have               much               opportunity               to               branch               out.

I               met               people               from               all               across               the               world.

Among               them:               Swiss,               Kurds,               Mexicans,               Americans,               Iranians               (well,               Iranian               Jews)               and               Circassians.

And,               bum               da               dum               bum:               Israelis!

Of               all               stripe               and               color:               blond               Israelis,               brown-haired,               etc...

I               can               tell               you're               getting               bored               from               all               this               cataloguing,               so               I'm               going               to               stop.

Besides,               you've               seen               them               all               anyway."
               "You're               a               good               storyteller.

Surprised               I               said               that,               though."
               "You've               always               been               sweet               under               your               bristly               skin,               Clarissa-pie."
               "Fuck               you.

You're               the               one               who               got               me               here.

And               I               still               don't               know               whyI'm               here."
               Jimmy               stood               silenced               (or               rather,               sat).

After               a               minute               or               two,               he               whispered,               "I'm               sorry.

Honest,               Clarissa,               it               was               just               an               error.

There               should               be               someone               else               in               your               cell."
               "5               minutes               to               lights               out!"               yelled               a               warden.
               "Who?"               I               demanded.
               Jimmy               hesitated.

"Look,"               he               said.

"It               was               my               idea               to               have               our               families               move               to               Israel."
               "What?"
               "I               met               some               pretty               cool               Israelis               in               that               L.A.

jail,"               he               said.

"We               started               a               drug               enterprise...

spanning               the               glove.

Along               with               the               Pakistanis,               Mexicans               and               South               Africans.

You               know,               globalism.

You               know,               Jews               and               Muslims               work               together               pretty               well               when               it               comes               to               defeating               the               establishment.

In               fact,               anyone               who's               not               American               is               like               that.

As               long               as               you're               an               outsider,               then               it's               okay,               as               I               like               to               say!"
               "So               you               started               this...

enterprise."               Fucking               Jimmy.

"And               why               didn't               you               bring               someone               else's               family               instead               of               mine?

You               could've               brought               anyone!

Any               one               of               your               drug               buddies!"
               "Bedtime,"               spat               a               guard.

"No               more               talking."
               Jimmy               leaned               in               closer               once               the               guard               had               gone.

"So               I               subliminally               convinced               my               parents               to               go               to               Israel               ,               Paradise               of               Drugs,               so               I               could               build               up               my               empire.

I               did               all               that               anyone               would               expect.

You               know,               I               bought               them               Israeli               products               and               such,               and               when               they               asked,               I               said               I               found               them               on               the               cheap,               or               nonsense               like               that.

Or               a               friend               had               given               it               to               me               (which               was               true               in               some               cases-Israeli               pickles               stolen               from               the               pantry               of               one               of               my               drug               buddies               (stolen               from               his               parentals)).

When               my               parentals               came               into               contact               with               yours               on               the               sabbath,               it               was               a               simple               matter               of               me               inserting               the               topic               of               food,               and               watching               them               go               off               the               rails!

They               move               to               Israel               ,               and               take               us               with               them.
               "Unfortunately,               you               were               a               sad               little               footnote.

I               accidentally               wrote               your               name               on               a               government               form,               saying               that               you               were               my               first               contact               in               any               case               of               emergency."
               "Accidently?"
               "Um,               you               were               the               only               contact               I               had               at               the               time,               I               had               to               put               someone."
               I               was               really               angry.

Stewed,               in               fact.

"Then               wait               a               bit,               till               you               meet               one               of               your               druggie               friends!"
               "Don't               call               them               that!"               Jimmy               snapped.

"You               might               as               well               be               insulting               me."
               "I               guess               I               am."
               Jimmy               sighed.

"When               I               get               out               of               here,               I'm               getting               me               some               nice               CrackerJacks."
               The               lights               went               out.
               Chapter               6
               Jimmy               and               I               were               in               jail               for               six               days.

I               guess               we               were               lucky,               because               we               should've               been               in               there               thirty.

Maybe               it               was               because               they               knew               they               had               nothing               on               me               (or               maybe               they               had               asked               the               U.S.

about               my               various               6th               grade               misdemeanors-I               don't               know).

Maybe               they               had               averaged               my               and               Jimmy's               sentences;               but               then,               wait,               it's               impossible               to               average               zero               and               infinity!

No               one               told               you               I               was               a               math               major,               huh,               Samantha?

Give               us               time-it's               only               the               fourth               day               of               college.
               Where               was               I...

oh,               so               we               got               out.

I               was               prancing               around               school               telling               everyone               about               it.

Jimmy               was               tagging               along,               thirsty               for               some               attention,               like               some               uncared-for               dog.

I               mean,               I               know               he               couldn't               understand               Hebrew,               but               at               least               he               could               have               looked               a               little               more               dignified               .

.

.

ah,               you               know               I'm               kidding,               Jimmy!
               We               even               got               a               reception               from               that               old               meanie,               Mrs.

Rothenberger.
               "So               I               see               you're               back.

Welcome!"               she               said               when               she               saw               us               in               the               hallway.
               "Yes!"               Jimmy               said,               proud               to               be               saying               something.
               "So               this               is               Jimmy?"               said               Mrs.

Rothenberger.
               "Yes!"               I               said.

I               didn't               know               why               my               volume               level               was               up.

After               all,               I               did               dislike               her-right?
               "Oh,               you're               famous!"               she               said.

"All               the               boys               are               talking               about               you."
               "Hopefully               I               can               understand               them,"               Jimmy               muttered.
               "I'm               sure               you               will,"               the               teacher               said.
               "Huh?

I               didn't               ask               you,"               Jimmy               said.
               "I               know.

But               I'm               sure               you               will,"               she               said,               and               left.
               "Jimmy,               Jimmy,"               I               said,               and               almost               took               him               by               the               arm               (I               saw               another               teacher               rounding               the               corner               who               was               staring               suspiciously               at               us).

"Jimmy,               we               almost               haven't               talked               about               classes.

Tell               me               about               your               classes,               Jimmy."               I               was               surprising               even               myself.
               All               the               students               were               staring               at               us               as               we               walked               past.

Neelee               waved               as               we               walked               past.
               "I               have               no               friends,"               Jimmy               said.
               "What               are               you               saying?

I               was               asking               you               about               your               classes,               stupid."
               "Shut               up,"               Jimmy               whispered.
               "You               didn't               seem               so               morose               in               prison,"               I               said.

Please               lighten               up,               Jimmy,               I               thought.
               "Well,               this               isn't               prison!

Clarissa!"               Yes,               he               said               my               name.
               "Hey,               it's               Naor,"               I               said.

He               was               jauntily               walking               down               the               hall               in               that               not-quite-strutting               manner               that               many               Israelis               of               the               Middle-Eastern               variety               possess.

I.e.

shaking               your               hips               and               hoping               someone               will               notice               you.

Ah,               well.

I               happen               to               do               that,               too.
               And               so               does               Jimmy.
               But               he               didn't               do               it               back               then.
               "Jimmy,"               I               said               in               the               manner               of               one               who               instructs,               "You               must               do               like               Naor.

Naor               will               show               you               how               to               jive-walk."
               "You               kidding               me?

Naor?"
               "Hey,               guyz.

Vassup?"               Naor               said.
               "Hey,               Naor,"               I               said.

"Want               to               take               a               walk               with               us?

We'll               show               little               Jimmy               how               to               walk.

You               know,               like               a               Sephardi."
               "Ars               *               ,"               Naor               said,               with               his               little               accented               "r".

"You               must               know               my               name.

That               is               it;               That               is               what               people               call               me."
               "How'd               you               get               such               good               English?"               an               amazed               Jimmy               asked.
               "Doesn't               matter.

TV,"               he               said.

"Want               me               to               show               you               around               the               school?"
               "OK!"               Jimmy               said,               even               though               he               had               already               seen               the               school               multiple               times.
               "Have               fun!"               I               said               to               the               two               of               them,               and               wished               them               on               their               merry               way.

As               they               turned               to               leave,               Jimmy               leaned               in               close               to               me               and               said,               "He               likes               me!"
               "Of               course               he               likes               you,               you               idiot,"               I               wanted               to               say,               but               didn't,               because               I               know.

I               know,               that               learning               Hebrew               can               be               hard.
               Israel               is               a               different               culture.

It's               easy               to               get               lost               in               the               fact               that               you're               different               from               everyone               else.

You               think               you're               stupid.

You               think               everyone               else               is               ignoring               you.

The               truth               is,               you               probably               are               at               least               a               little               stupid,               because               you're               still               learning               how               to               adapt               to               a               foreign               environment.

But               if               people               are               ignoring               you,               then               you're               not               the               idiot.

They               are.

You               just               remember               that               if               you               ever               go               to               a               foreign               country,               Samantha.
               "Okay,               mom,"               says               Samantha.
               "Anyway,"               I               continue,               "Naor               goes               off               with               Jimmy               and               they               have               a               good               time.

Yay.

And               I'm               left               to               deal               with               some               more               illicit               teachers.

What               are               they               up               to               this               time?

Well,               'no               good'               is               an               excellent               way               of               putting               it.
               ___________________________________________________________
               Boom...Boom...Boom...Thump.

That               is               the               sound               of               me               jumping               on               the               bleachers               in               the               city               soccer               stadium,               just               a               few               kilometers               from               our               little               grouping               of               houses               on               a               hill.

A               dirt               hill,               I               should               add.

But               that's               irrelevant.
               What's               relevant               is               that               I               was               seeing               Jimmy               practice               with               his               team               of               pals.

They               had               graduated               to               two-word               phrases               like               "that's               cool,"               "chase               it,"               and               "high-five"               (a               favorite               among               the               Israelis-it's               not               just               Borat,               you               know).

Jimmy               was               getting               a               real               education,               what               can               I               say.

Harvard-esque.

They               should               make               Legally               Blonde               3               and               have               it               be               about               him.

I'll               be               his               girlfriend.
               Okay,               enough               of               that.

I               was               there               to               see               him               and               in               exchange,               he               would               come               to               see               me.

You               see,               he               would               quiz               me               on               my               shit,               from               these               little               wonderful               colorful               cards               that               we               had,               and               I               would               come               to               his               games.

And,               of               course,               his               practices.
               I               had               my               shit               spread               out               all               over               the               three               benches               adjacent               to               me-Deuteronomy,               Exodus,               Genesis,               Kings,               Judges...

you               name               it.

I'd               gotten               the               best               of               the               Conservative               authorities               to               combat               that               awful               Orthodox               arrogance,               with               a               capital               A,               that               this               school               has               to               offer.
               You               see,               the               Orthodox               bigots               with               their               black               hats               and               streimels               and               their               not-so-Orthodox               cousins               with               their               knitted               colorful               hippee               yamulkees               really               want               to               monopolize               G-d               and               religion               in               the               name               of               the               black               coats               and               the               segregation.

Of               women,               I               mean.

Women               can't               sing               in               public,               women               can't               pray               in               public,               women               must               obey               the               male               authorities.

Meaning               the               rabbis.
               The               rabbis               have               their               own               G-d.

He               is               an               old               man               in               a               long               black               coat.
               "Is               that               Clarissa               I               see?"               said               a               voice               with               a               long               black               coat               and               a               circular               furry               hat.

I               tried               to               ignore               him.
               "Clarissa!"               he               said.

"Turn               around               so               I               can               see               you."               I               reluctantly               did               so.
               "Clarissa,               you're               one               stunning               beauty,"               he               said.

Well,               no,               he               didn't               actually               say               that.

He               said,               "Clarissa!

Not               often               I               see               you               outside               of               class!"
               No               shit,               Rabbi.

"Um,               Rabbi,               so               you               want               to               sit               down?"               I               asked               him,               with               a               forced               cheerful               smile               on               my               face.

A               smile               is               worth               a               thousand               A's.
               "Clarissa,               fine,"               he               said.

"As               long               as               you               can               tell               me               if               it               violates               the               laws               of               yichud."
               Yichud.

The               set               of               laws               which               tells               me               when/where               I               may               be               with               a               boy               and               therefore               designed               to               regulate               fucking.
               "No,               no!"               I               said.

"It               doesn't               violate               the               laws."
               "That's               what               I               thought,"               he               said,               and               sat               down.

"So,               Clarissa,               tell               me               what               is               going               on               in               this               game.

Who               is               winning."
               "Well,"               I               said,               and               looked               at               the               field.

They               had               started               a               scrimmage.

Fuck               me,               I               was               so               engrossed               in               my               studying.

I               started               to               cup               my               hands               to               my               mouth               in               order               to               cheer               on               Jimmy,               but...

I               hesitated.

And               stopped.

As               I               sat               there               with               my               hands               in               my               lap,               powerless               to               act,               I               wondered,               why               am               I               being               stopped               by               this               itinerant               rabbi?

Could               it               be               that               I               am               actually               embarrassed?
               No,               it               couldn't.
               So               I               put               my               hands               to               my               mouth               and               yelled.

"Hey,               Jimmy!

Go               score               a               goal!"
               The               rest               of               the               players               turned               to               look               at               us.

After               a               moment               they               started               laughing.

The               rabbi               must               have               had               a               dangling               booger               or               something.
               "Is               that               your               boyfriend?"               the               rabbi               asked.
               Were               rabbis               always               this               direct?
               "Um,"               I               said               as               I               tried               to               come               up               with               an               answer.

"So,               rabbi,               how               are               you               doing?"
               "Good,               good!"               he               said               and               rummaged               through               his               briefcase.

"I               have               to               give               you               something.

Did               you               know               that               you               were               summoned               to               compete               in               a               debate?

About               holy               studies?"
               I               knubbed               my               nose               down               in               distaste.

"Debate?

About               Bible?"
               "No,               about               holy               studies               in               general.

Thought,               morality,               Bible,               Talmud,               anything               and               everything.

It'll               all               be               there.

In               your               head.

Should               you               choose               to               participate,               of               course."
               Should               I               choose               to               participate.

Sounded               like               a               guilt-trip               to               me.
               "No,"               I               said               promptly,               and               finally,               and               as               Israelis               said               it,               happily.
               "Are               you               sure?"               he               said,               wagging               the               papers               in               the               air               and               arching               his               eyebrows.

"You               friend,               em,               Neelee,               is               participating.

You               could               say,               she               is               the               main               contestant."
               Main               contestant?

Neelee?

It               all               left               me               feeling               confused.
               You               see,               Neelee               was               a               very               quiet               person.

Studious,               yes.

Not               loud.

Very               quiet.

She               was               an               immigrant               like               me,               I               guess               that               had               to               play               into               it.

Her               family               immigrated               from               Russia               when               she               was               nine.

Her               and               her               blithe,               friendly               Russian               parents               who               didn't               know               a               thing               about               Judaism.

Who               didn't               want               to.

I               didn't               blame               them.
               I               guess               that               made               Neelee               all               quiet.

Maybe               she               was               just               patient.

Or               maybe               Russian               people               are               just               quieter.

Have               you               ever               seen               a               Russian               yell?

Except               for               those               old               men               with               huge               beards,               I               mean.
               So               Neelee               was               an               interesting               choice               for               contestant.
               "Why'd               you               pick               Neelee?"               I               blurted.

It               wasn't               that               I               was               jealous.

I               just               wanted               to               know.
               "Neelee               is               a               dynamic               candidate               with               a               working               knowledge               of               all               facets               of               the               Bible,"               he               said.
               "I               don't               understand.

Who               decides               this?

Who               knows               this?"
               "The               teachers,               for               one.

Listen,               Clarissa,               you're               being               impertinent.

For               one,               it's               not               your               decision.

And               two,               she               picked               you.

Are               you               going               to               turn               her               down?

Don't               waste               this               opportunity!"
               Fuck               opportunities,               I               thought.

I               already               have               all               the               opportunities               I               need.

But               I               was               confused.

"She               picked               me?

For               what?"
               "Each               team               has               three               members.

And               each               school               has               one               team.

Neelee               was               chosen               for               her               knowledge.

She               applied,               as               well.

Didn't               you?"
               "For               what,               the               test?"
               "Oh,               right,               you               weren't               here               last               year,"               the               Rabbi               said.

"Right.

Sorry.

Well,               she               picked               you,               and               the               final               candidate               is               picked               by               the               two               of               you."
               "What?"               I               was               about               to               say               wtf,               but               I               stopped               myself.

"She               picked               me?

Couldn't               she               have               done               better               than               pick               an               American               like               me?"
               I               waited               while               one               of               Jimmy's               friends               made               a               corner               kick.

It               caromed               off               one               of               the               posts,               and               Jimmy               headed               it               in.
               One               thing               I               knew:               Jimmy               wasn't               coming               to               Jerusalem               or               Tel-Aviv,               or               wherever               this               thing               was               being               held.

He               would               spoil               it.

I               mean,               we'd               been               out               of               prison               for               what,               two               days?

I               wasn't               going               to               allow               him               to               start               telling               prison               stories.
               Oh,               wait,               he               can't               speak               Hebrew.

But               I'm               sure               they               would               understand               gesticulations               and               English.
               Fuck               fuck               fuck!

I               couldn't               do               this!

Now               I'd               have               to               choose               who               comes.

Along               with               Neelee,               of               course.

That               kind               of               pressure.

.

.

makes               me               piss               myself.

I               mean,               I'm               a               tough               girl,               right               guys?

But               playing               picky-choosy               with               a               bunch               of               other               tenth-graders...

what               am               I,               a               queen?

I'd               never               be               able               to               do               that,               I               thought.

I               didn't               know               anyone.

What               if               we               picked               someone               and               then               we               got               along               horribly?

And               then               we               did               horribly               and               flopped               and               then               everyone               blamed               me?
               Fuck               me.

And               my               life.
               "Clarissa,               so               what               if               you're               American?

We're               all               just               a               bunch               of               motley               immigrants,               anyway."               He               pointed               to               himself.

"My               grandparents               were               from               Poland               and               Czechoslovakia               ,               and               I'm               a               mutt               of               that               plus               Moroccan               and               Egyptian."
               "I               don't               care               about               that."
               "I               know,"               he               said.

"But               you               know,               we'll               forgive               you               if               you're               American.

If               you're               a               depressed               American,               I               don't               think               we'll               have               the               guts.

Or               a               nervous               American."
               "Do               I               look               nervous?"               I               checked               myself               and               saw               that               I               was               shaking.

"Fine.

You've               got               me               on               that               one,               but               you'll               never               make               me               go."
               "It's               up               to               you,"               he               said.

"But               think               it               over.

I'll               see               you               tomorrow               morning               for               Talmud."
               If               I               survive               the               night,               I               thought.
               ...
               "So               any               news               on               Jimmy's               verdict?"               my               mom               asked               me               as               we               were               sitting               at               dinner.
               "Um...

no,"               I               said.
               "I               think               he               should               be               pardoned,"               my               father               said.

"For               not               making               a               ruckus."               We               all               chuckled.
               "The               kids               didn't               make               fun               of               me               today,"               Chris               said.

I               still               thought               of               him               as               Chris,               even               though               his               real               name               was               Caleb.
               "That's               good,               honey,"               my               mom               said.
               "I               finally               got               a               hang               of               the               Arabic               swear               words               and               then               shoved               the               leader               against               a               wall,               and               that's               why,"               he               said.
               "You               shouldn't               shove               people,               Caleb,"               Dad               said.
               "Daddy,"               I               said.

"Don't               you               think               it's               better               to               let               him               handle               things               himself?

I               mean,               it's               not               like               you're               the               one               going               to               an               Israeli               elementary               school."
               "Clarissa-pie,"               he               said.

"I               think               he's               handling               things               fine.

I               don't               know               what               I               would               have               done               if               I               was               in               his               place.

I               was               just               informing               him               of               the               kneejerk               moral               abstraction               which               I               was               reacting               to               him               with."
               That               left               me               silent.
               "And               Clarissa,"               Mother               said.

"Why               don't               you               go               up               to               your               room               now               for               that?"
               I               giggled.

But               I               wouldn't               be               calling               Daddy               "Daddy"               for               quite               a               while.
               "So,               how               was               your               day,               Clarissa?"
               "Absolutely               fabulous,"               I               responded.

I               wiped               the               lasagna               from               my               mouth               with               my               duck-colored               napkin               (the               ones               we               had               brought               from               the               States).

"Give               me               some               more               lima               beans,               will               you,               Dad?"
               Daddy               grimaced               and               passed               them.
               He               will               always               be               Daddy               to               me.
               "My               day               was               actually               amazing,"               I               said               to               them               in               spite               of               myself.
               "Oh,               really?"
               "Jimmy               came               this               close               to               scoring               a               goal               in               practice,               and               I               got               a               job               offer."
               "Oh,               common,               babe,"               my               smart-ass               brother               said.

"You're               not               even               qualified               to               work."
               "You're               not,               dipshit,"               I               fired               back.

"I               am."
               "My               ass."
               "Children,               children,"               my               father               held               up               his               hands.

And               you               wonder               why               I               call               him               "Daddy."               He               gives               me               the               creeps.
               "Um,               guys,               you               want               any               dessert?"               asked               Mom.
               ...nation               or               ethnicity               or               something               else...

search               the               web
               Is               Judaism               a               movement               or               a               religion?

That's               certainly               not               a               question               I'd               been               asking               myself               the               sixteen               years               I'd               been               alive.
               First               of               all,               who               cared?

I               mean,               I               know               Rabbi               WhatsHisName               did               and               all               that,               and               probably               cared               about               the               outcome               enough               to               rig               it               so               that               we               would               all               turn               into               his               prostrating,               black-clad               puppets.

At               least               we               had               freedom               of               choice.

That               we               could               agree               on.
               I               know               Rabbi               Klinghoffer               probably               knew               the               head               of               the               committee               which               picks               the               questions               and               so               he               probably               rigged               the               entire               thing               himself,               making               me               and               Neelee               and               Unknown               Candidate               #3               have               to               strain               and               sweat               as               hard               as               we               could,               for               our               ultimate               betterment.

He               probably               picked               it               right               after               I               arrived               in               school,               so               he               could               see               me               represent               the               liberal               elements               in               Judaism               and               thus               be               shamed               before               the               Ultra-Orthodox               anti-feminist               bigots               which               would               populate               the               coliseum.

Let               us               rejoice.
               So               it               was               that               I               set               about               this               task,               answering               this               question,               along               with               Neelee               and               Unnamed               Person               #3,               with               a               heavy               heart.

Of               course,               the               first               task               we               had               was               to               pick               our               mandatory               third               teammate.
               "Haven't               done               that               since               you               stopped               playing               kickball,"               Chris               said               the               next               night.
               "Aw,               shutup,               Chris,"               said,               surprisingly,               my               dad.
               "Language,               dear,"               spouted               my               mom.

"You               must               learn               manners."
               "Who               are               you,               his               mom?"               I               moaned.

"Gimme               a               break."
               "Maybe               when               your               balls               drop               you               can               start               playing               kickball               again,"               Chris               said.
               "Fucking               jerk,"               I               muttered.
               "So               how's               Jimmy?"               Chris               said               when               we               had               gotten               upstairs.
               "What               do               you               really               want               to               ask,"               said               I.
               "Oh,               you               mean,               did               you               do               him               yet?"               he               pantomimed.
               "Where               did               you               hear               that?"               I               asked,               horrified.

You               know,               I               can               be               genuinely               horrified.
               "Honey?"               called               my               mom               from               downstairs.
               "She               means               you,"               Chris               said.
               "I               know."
               "I               overhear               your               phone               calls,"               he               said,               licking               his               lips.

"Sexy               sluts."
               Now               where'd               he               learn               language               like               that?
               ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
               Chapter               6
               I               suppose               Rabbi               Klinghoffer               must               be               thinking               of               me               as               quite               the               obnoxious               slut,               as               by               now               he               will               have               read               this               book               and               all               the               materiel               herein-but               perhaps               his               kids               won't.

Perhaps               his               kids               will               hold               me               up               as               the               standard               of               moral               behavior;               their               father               worshiped               idolatry,               and               now               they               are               free.

They               are               free               to               enter               the               promised               land.
               I               mean,               it's               not               like               I'm               a               total               sinner.

I               do               volunteer               in               some               foreign               countries.

Like               Kenya               .

And               I               sleep               on               the               floor               from               time               to               time.
               Bet               he               doesn't               do               that.
               But               before               I               hang               up               my               black               hat               on               the               hat               stand               and               get               comfy               on               the               loveseat,               let               me               tell               you               that               Jimmy               wasn't               happy               about               his               eventually               being               nominated,               either.

You               see,               Rabbi               Klinghoffer               didn't               quite               mean               it               when               he               insisted               that               Neelee               and               I               choose               our               own               running               mate.

You               see,               he               would               eventually               turn               out               to               be               a               sort               of               "mate",               but               not               of               the               same               kind,               and               definitely,               definitely               not               at               that               time.
               NEWS               FLASH
               "Christina,               it's               time               to               go               to               class,"               Samantha               interrupted.
               "Ah,               what?

Oh,"               said               my               muttering               mouth.
               "I               can't               wait               to               see               Jimmy."
               "Ha,               now               that               I've               told               you               all               that?

Don't               try               to               steal               him               from               me."
               "I               won't."
               "I               think               he               has               soccer               practice               today,               anyway."
               "Isn't               today               Friday?"
               "You're               right               again."
               "Fuck,               I               forgot               to               turn               in               my               chem               homework               last               night,"               she               said.
               Privately,               I               was               sad               she               had               copied               my               tendency               to               be               a               sailor.

I               didn't               look               so               good               in               a               pirate               anyhow.
               "Are               you               alright?

What's               wrong?"               she               asked.
               "Nothing,"               I               said,               forcing               a               smile.

"Life               goes               on               as               usual."
               "So               let               us               depart!"               Samantha               exclaimed.
               We               exited               the               building               and               started               walking               down               the               long               concourse               to               the               Spanish               building.
               I               said,               "I've               always               envied               your               vocabulary,               you               know."
               "Igualmente,"               she               said.
               "Show-off."
               "Fuckface."
               "Potty-mouth."
               "Well               I               learned               it               from               you."
               "No,               you               didn't."
               "Yes,               I               did."
               "We're               reaching               the               fucking               building.

Tone               it               down."
               All               at               once,               I               caught               a               glimpse               of               bright               blue               engulfed               in               the               crowd,               coming               toward               us.
               "Hey               look,               it's               Jimmy!"
               "No               fucking               way."               Samantha               turned.
               "Hey               Samantha,               Clarissa."               I               smiled               at               him.

"Want               to               come               jogging               with               me?"
               "No               thanks,               Jimmy,               we're               a               little,               how               shall               we               say,               weighed               down,"               I               said.
               "No               kidding,"               he               said,               and               winked               at               Samantha.

I               cringed.
               "Hey,               listen,               you               want               to               come               to               Rabbi               G's               tonight?"               he               said.

"Plenty               of               good               food."
               Samantha               and               I               looked               at               each-other.

We               burst               out               laughing.
               "What's               so               funny?"               Jimmy               asked.
               "Oh,               it's               not               you,               Jimmy,"               I               replied,               although               it               was.

Rabbi               G               was               the               resident               Chabad               practitioner,               which               was               a               sect               of               black-hat.

This               sect               of               black               hats'               aim               was               to               convert               all               other               people               into               Chabad               practitioners.

"Spreading               Chasidus,"               they               called               it,               which               meant               spreading               a               vague               eighteenth-century               philosophy               designed               to               bring               people               together               under               the               control               of               one               charismatic               leader,               or               "Rebbe".
               We               had               just               spent               the               last               hour               reliving               my               experiences               from               Israel               .

That's               why               it               was               funny.
               "Listen,               Jimmy,"               I               said.

"We're               sort               of               busy.

You               know,               girl               things.

But               we're               still               going               out,               right?"
               Jimmy               looked               baffled.

"Right,"               he               said.
               "Fuck               me,"               I               said,               looking               at               my               watch.

"We're               late.

Love               you."               And               I               gave               him               a               little               peck               on               the               cheek.
               Perhaps               it               was               my               imagination,               but               Jimmy               seemed               to               recoil               a               bit               when               I               touched               him.
               "Yo               tengo!

Tu               tienes!

Usted               tiene!

El               tiene!

El               y               ella               tienen!

Vosotros               Tienen!

Nosotros..."
               "I               thought               we               didn't               learn               Vosotros,"               Samantha               whispered.
               "I               think               she's               from               Spain               ."
               "Silencio!

Fermen               las               bocas!"               the               teacher               screamed.
               "She               has               good               ears,"               Samantha               wrote               to               me               when               the               teacher               had               turned               back               to               the               blackboard.

(We               still               had               blackboards-it               was               definitely               a               public               university.)
               "Yeah,               no               kidding,"               I               answered.

"We               should               do               a               survey               on               the               physiogamy               of               Spanish               teachers."
               It               turned               out,               actually,               that               Rabbi               Klinghoffer               was               a               Chabad.

Not               a               Rebbe-worshiping,               hero-lauding               Chabad,               but               a               Chabad               all               the               same.

He               told               us               stories               about               the               Rebbe,               often               for               hours               at               a               time,               if               it               happened               to               be               connected               to               something               we               were               doing.
               "Did               you               hear               about               the               time               the               Rebbe               farted?"               he               asked               us               once               when               he               dropped               in               to               Physical               Sciences               class.
               But               actually,               no,               that               didn't               happen.
               It               went               like               this:
               "Ladies!"               he               excited               upon               us               as               he               dropped               by               where               we               were               studying.

"How               is               the               progress?"
               "What               progress?"               Neelee               asked.
               "The               competition,               of               course."
               "We               are               competing               quite               fine,"               I               said.
               "Hahaha,"               he               said.

"You               girls               are               quite               something               magnificent.

I               expect               you               have               chosen               your               third               person               already?"
               "No,"               I               said,               and               started               to               hate               him.
               "Clarissa,"               he               said,               "You               don't               look               so               hot.

Cheer               up."
               Fuck               you.
               "Clarissa,"               Neelee               said,               shaking               me               like               a               sack               of               beans.
               "Neelee?"               I               asked.

I               raised               my               head               from               the               table.
               "Neelee?"               Neelee               asked.

"Who's               Neelee?"
               "What?"               I               said.

It               was               only               then               that               I               realized               that               Neelee               wasn't               Neelee               and               the               table               wasn't               a               table.

It               was               a               desk.
               "Class               is               over,"               she               said.

"It's               time               to               go               to               Philosophy."
               "Fuck,"               I               said.

Philosophy               be               damned,               my               philosophy               was               sleep.

Especially               after               getting               four               hours               of               sleep.

But               drinking               has               its               rewards,               you               know.
               "We're               still               in               class,               you               know,"               she               said.

"Swearing               can               come               later."
               "Right,"               I               said,               sighing.

"Thanks,               mom."
               Samantha               said,               "Okay,               then,"               and               took               my               backpack               and               me.

I               was               dragged               from               the               classroom.
               "Better               luck               on               the               quiz               next               time!"               the               teacher               screamed               after               me.
               "Why               is               she               such               a               bitch?"               I               asked               Samantha.
               "She               was               born               that               way.

I               don't               know.

I               think               that's               the               way               she               talks,               actually,"               she               said.
               "What               do               you               think               of               Jimmy's               proposal?"               I               said.
               "What               do               you               mean?"               said               Samantha.

"I               thought               we               were               going               out               tonight."
               "Don't               you               think               it's               a               little               risqué               for               me               to               fuck               someone               else               when               I'm               also               fucking               Jimmy?"
               "I               mean,               you               can               stick               two               penises               in               you               at               once,               can               you?"
               "Shut               up,               you               slut!"               I               said               and               lashed               out               at               her.

She               blocked               it.

Black               belt,               what               can               I               say.
               "Stop               fucking               around               and               tell               me               why               you               want               to               go               be               with               Jimmy.

I               mean,               you're               with               him               every               day!"
               "Like               I               said,"               I               said,               "It               just               doesn't               seem               right."
               "I               see,"               she               said.

"Monogamy               clearly               suits               you.

Let               me               know               when               you               break               out               the               dresses."
               "Give               me               a               break,"               I               said.

"It's               not               like               I'm               becoming               religious."
               "Good,"               she               said.

"Because               you               can't               get               drunk               on               Saturday               night               if               you               have               to               go               to               church."
               "Synagogue."
               "Synagogue."
               "I               mean,               there's               also               another               reason               I               want               to               go,"               I               said.
               "And               what               is               that?"
               We               passed               a               group               of               party-animal               guys.

They               ogled               at               us.
               "I               mean,               I               want               to               sort               of               see               what               these               people               are               all               about,"               I               said,               although               that               couldn't               be               farther               than               the               truth.
               "I               thought               you               said               you               hated               Rabbi               Klinghoffer."
               "That's               because               he               was               a               klingy               shit,"               I               said.

"And               I               did.

But               not               that               much.

And               just               in               a               particular               way.

Just               for               certain               things.

Not               for               others."
               Samantha               groaned.

"You               will               become               religious."
               "Just               watch               me,"               I               said.

"Maybe               I'll               become               a               Scientologist."
               ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
               SUDDEN               STARTLING               FLASHBACK
               It               was               a               Shabaton               at               Rabbi               Klinghoffer's               house.

Everyone               was               staying               for               the               weekend               in               the               Zichron               Ya'akov               neighborhood               where               the               school               was,               and               where               the               Rabbi's               house               also               happened               to               be.

We               were               at               the               Rabbi's               table.

Maybe               thirty               of               us.

Jimmy               was               there.

Neelee.

Naor.

The               soccer               team.

My               other               girlfriends.

And               some               various               assorted               nerds,               etc.

But               of               course               you               don't               need               to               hear               that.
               "The               most               important               thing               is               the               Torah,"               Rabbi               Klinghoffer               was               saying.

"Doing               the               Torah.

Because               if               you're               not               doing               the               Torah,               you're               not               living               life.

Going               to               school               and               doing               your               homework               is               not               enough.

You               need               to               be               doing               your               homework               up               there,"               and               he               pointed               to               the               sky.
               Several               students               coughed.

I               looked               up               at               the               ceiling               where               he               was               pointing.

Lots               of               little               patterns               etched               in               white               paint.

Nice               roof,               Rabbi.
               "It's               not               wealth               that               matters,"               he               continued.

"It's               godliness.

It's               cleaving               to               G-d.

Taking               the               hidden               and               making               it               revealed."
               I               took               a               bite               of               coleslaw.
               "Therefore,"               he               said,               looking               at               me               and               then               back               to               the               group,               "there               needs               to               be               a               continuation,               a               confirmation               of               all               we               learn               in               Judaism.

This               is               Chasiddus."
               "What               is               Chassidus,"               I               pictured               Alex               Tribek               telling               the               audience,               is               right.

Two               hundred               dollars               for               Mr.

Jones.
               "Well,               then,"               he               said               to               me,               sparking               chuckles               from               the               boys.

"Clarissa.

You               tell               us               what               the               four               worlds               are."
               Four               worlds               of               Kabbalah.

Fuck               if               I               know.

And               although               I               didn't               really               appreciate               him               putting               me               on               the               spot               like               that,               fuck               my               life               if               I               was               going               to               give               in               to               that               rabbi.
               "Well,"               I               said,               thinking               hmmm               and               not               getting               anything               but               an               erection,               "well,               I               think               that               the               four               worlds               are               Abercrombie               and               Fitch,               Aeropostale,               Roxy               and               Urban               Outfitters."
               The               rabbi               chuckled.

"You               know,               Clarissa,               I               think               that's               sort               of               funny."               Again               the               laughter.

"I'll               tell               you               now               that               the               four               worlds               are               bacon,               ham,               pork               and               anchovies."               More               laughter.

His               face               became               serious.

"But               now               what               I'm               going               to               tell               you               is               not               a               joke.

The               four               worlds               are               the               World               of               Emanation,               the               World               of               Creation,               the               World               of               Formation,               and               the               World               of               Action."               The               faces               in               the               room               are               staring               intently.

I               perspire.

"There               is               not               just               one               world,"               the               rabbi               continued.

"What               I'm               about               to               tell               you               is               absolutely               serious.
               "We               are               mere               ants.

We               are               walking               around               on               the               fingertip               of               G-d's               hand.

I               cannot               stress               this               enough.

We               are               eating,               sleeping,               driving,               yes,               even               pooping,"               he               said,               and               some               students               laughed,               "in               his               presence.

In               his               presence               we               are               all               fools,               who               go               about               the               day               like               chickens               with               their               heads               cut               off."
               "Chickens!

That               is               what               we               are."               He               paused               a               little               to               think.

"That               is               even               lower               than               ants,               wouldn't               you               think?"               More               laughs.

"And               you,               Clarissa,"               he               said,               singling               me               out               again.

"What               do               you               think?

Wouldn't               we               all               make               good               ants?"               He               gestured               at               the               room.

They               laughed.

I               remained               silent.
               "And               what               does               it               mean?

What               does               it               all               mean?

That               were               are               in               the               bottom               world.

That               we               are               mere               mortals.

We               are               not               Gods."
               "Except               when               it               comes               to               skateboarding,"               I               said.
               I               couldn't               help               it.

I               had               to               say               something.

I               couldn't               let               him               steal               the               room               like               this.
               "Skateboarding?"               the               rabbi               said.

"Skateboarding?

Clarissa,               what               is               skateboarding,               if               not               for               a               frivolous               pursuit               of               vanity               which               has               utterly               no               meaning               whatsoever?"               I               opened               my               mouth,               but               he               continued.

"Furthermore,"               he               said,               "what               is               anything               in               the               presence               of               G-d?

Nothing!

Ashes               and               dust."
               "Therefore,"               the               rabbi               pontificated,               "it               is               imperative               to               be               on               the               alert               at               all               the               times."               
               "For               what?"               I               said.
               "For               what?"               he               asked.

"For               falsehoods!

For               untruths               that               you               must               clear               out               of               your               life               at               the               moment's               notice!

That's               what!

For               instance,               drugs!

Drugs,               sex               and               Rock               and               roll!

Things               which               are               imported               from               America               !

Every               morning,               I               wake               up               thinking               about               that,               and               thinking,               'Thank               G-d               I'm               a               Jew,               and               not               an               animal               like               those               goyim!'               It's               about               truth               above               falsehoods!"
               The               boys               in               the               room               were               nodding               their               heads               thoughtfully.
               "Is               he               high?"               the               girl               next               to               me               whispered.
               "I               don't               think               I've               seen               him               high               yet,               so               yes,"               I               responded.
               The               rabbi               ignored               us.

"Don't               you               know,"               he               said,               "that               the               geula               has               already               happened.

We               are               in               the               end               times.

The               end               of               the               world               as               we               know               it.

And               the               beginning               of               the               messianic               era.
               The               beginning               is               always               the               hardest               part.

Like               when               I               found               out               I               was               bisexual.

The               beginning               was               the               hardest.

And               when               I               found               out               Jimmy               wasn't.

I               mean,               time               crawls               so               slowly               when               there               are               no               orgies.

Just               kidding.

I               don't               do               that.
               Or               do               I?
               But,               my               point               is               that               it               was               pretty               hard               in               that               first               encounter               with               Chabad.

And               with               strict               Orthodox               Judaism               in               the               first               place.

I               mean,               school               was               weird               in               a               sense,               but               it               was               also               a               factory.

You               know               how               everyone               from               a               certain               place               is               a               certain               way?

Like               everyone               who               plays               Magic               the               Gathering               is               a               little               bit               socially               inept;               everyone               who               smokes               pot               regularly               is               a               little               bit               lazy;               everyone               who               parties               regularly               is               usually               just               a               little               bit               horny.

Well,               everyone               who               went               to               my               school               was               the               same               way,               too.

They               talked               the               same               and               acted               the               same               and               talked               to               the               opposite               sex               the               same.

In               that               sense,               it               was               easy               to               fit               in.

Just               be               like               everyone               else;               be               an               actress.
               It               was               weird,               but               not               nearly               as               weird               as               Chabad.
               At               Chabad,               you               see,               there               was               this               whole               thing               going               on               where               you               had               to               be               a               certain               way.

For               instance,               talking               to               the               opposite               gender               is               frowned               upon,               so               I               couldn't               just               fuck               someone               in               the               middle               of               the               room               or               even               grind               against               them.

I               had               to               think               first.

Then               my               mind               would               tell               me               "no".

That's               how               it               works.
               So               no               grinding               or               bumping               or               fucking,               you               ask.

What               kind               of               party               is               that?
               The               answer:               one               hell               of               a               stuck-up               one.
               So               enough               pontification               on               my               part.

You               want               to               know:               what               happens               next?
               It's               not               Rabbi               Klinghoffer's               diatribe.

It's               not               my               past.

It's               not               even               my               present.

Which               is               why               I'm               going               to               hand               you               over               to......

Jimmy.
               Jimmy
               What's               up,               niggas?
               Racism               be               damned,               Black               people               say               it,               why               can't               I?
               And               why               can't               Clarissa?
               Damn,               let               me               tell               you,               that               girl               is               one               hot               chick.

One               girly               girl.

She               get               what               she               want.

She               be               struttin               her               stuff.

And               it               be               pertty,               too.
               That's               my               Intro               to               African-American               English.

I               didn't               tell               you               I               was               a               Linguistics               major,               did               I?
               I               am.

And               a               PolySci,               with               a               minor               in               Computer               Science.

Why?

I'm               just               a               nerd               inside,               I               guess.
               I               read               the               previous               portion               of               Clarissa's               account.

You               could               tell               I               was               a               geek,               right?

Magic               cards,               I               think               she               said.

References               to               my               fascination               with               slugs.

I               like               animals,               what               can               I               tell               you?

I               collect               things.

Animals,               people,               girls.

Although               some               like               to               say               that               "girls"               are               included               in               "people".
               Now               that               you               know               how               much               of               a               misogynist               I               am               (although               not               a               pig,               I               just               collect               them-little               plastic               ones)               you               can               really               see               how               fucked               up               I               am               inside.

Although               I'm               not               against               pigs,               I               am               against               women.

Doing               what               they               want,               that               is.

Sitting               around               the               house               and               fucking               us               is               fine,               but               them               doing               what               they               want?

Nuh-uh,               honey.

Un-acceptable.

No               way.

No               goddamned               way.
               And               the               fucking               has               to               be               good.

No               half-ass               blowjobs.

And               the               dancing.

Gotta               hit               the               spot.

If               you               know               what               I               mean.
               I               been               to               prison.

I               fucked               girls               there.

They               fucked               me.
               I               get               confused               by               girls               sometimes.

Are               they               in               it               for               the               fucking               or               for               the               "loving"?

Because               there               is               no               such               thing               as               love.

I               only               am               with               Clarissa               for               the               sex.

And               the               moral               support.
               But....

it               is               sort               of               hot               when               she               says               "I               love               you".
               That's               between               us,               though.

No               nosing.
               You               can't               tell               anyone,               though.

You               understand?

Because               it               would               mean               the               end               of               me.
               You               see,               I               can't               let               Clarissa               know               how               I               really               feel.

I               mean,               she               would               think               I'm               like               one               of               those               ordinary               college               jerks,               right?

You               know?

I               mean,               I               can't               just               be               like               everybody               else.

You               know.

I               have               to               be               different.

I               have               to               be               unique.

I               have               to               be               mysterious.
               Mysterious               with               a               capital               M.
               You               see,               I               need               to               be               alpha.

Sexual.

Hyper-sexual,               in               fact.

Able               to               ram               anybody               and               give               them               an               orgasm               with               a               single               blow.

They'll               scream               out               and               love               it.

I'll               have               power               and               love.

I               won't               be               lonely.

Because               you               know,               I'm               not               lonely.

I               have               Clarissa.

I               make               her               cry               out               at               night.

And               that's               why               she               loves               me.

You               know?
               When               we're               making               love/               I               mean,               having               sex/               I               mean,               fucking/               I               mean,               getting               nasty....

um,               it's               pretty               cool.

You               should               see               us.

I               mean,               you               shouldn't.

Or               you               should.

As               an               evidence               of               my               virility.

Even               though               my               penis               isn't               the               biggest...

but               it's               still               pretty               schwe.

I.e.

pretty               cool,               hot,               rad,               whatever               you               like.
               So               when               I               asked               Clarissa               to               Chabad,               it               was               to               mask               my               growing               concern               that               she               was               getting               to               know               that               part               of               me               too               much.

Too               intimately.

You               know,               the               part               of               me               that               likes               slugs.

And               sex.

And               sex               on               the               beach,               on               the               sink,               on               the               toilet....

Etc.

Although               I               think               no               one               really               likes               it               on               the               toilet.

People               just               try               things,               you               know?
               I               wanted               to               ask               Clarissa               to               Chabad               in               order               to               show               her               that               I               am               a               deeper               person....

than               she               thinks.
               The               fact               that               Samantha               comes               too,               that's               just               an               added               bonus.

I               mean,               Samantha               is               a               hot               girl               with               a               lot               of               baggage.

Just               like               Clarissa.

But               there's               a               special               thing               about               Samantha,               as               well:               I'm               friends               with               her.

Which               means               that               we               can               commiserate.
               You               know               what               commiserating               means.
               Yes.

Sex.
               With               a               capital               S.
               But               here               I               tell               you               a               secret.

And               this               is               a               secret               for               relationship-building.

This               secret               must               only               be               whispered               from               one               ear               to               the               next               for               the               next               thousand               years.

Then               it               can               be               mentioned               in               public.
               Haha               just               kidding.

But.

It               is               important.

And               the               secret               is               this:               As               long               as               you               focus               on               one               woman               and               make               her               feel               loved               and               protected,               she               will               give               you               all               the               sex               you               want,               as               long               as               she               loves               you               back.
               The               key,               of               course:               as               long               as               she               loves               you               back.

This               means               basically               that               you               have               shared               interests,               passions,               etc,               and               have               more               than               just               a               sexual               connection.

So,               when               you               commiserate               with               her               friend,               even               when               she's               there,               you               will               get               more               sex.

Because               she               will               feel               more               protected/loved               when               you're               there,               because               you               are               friends               with               her               friend,               and               thereby               her               connection               with               her               friend               is               strengthened               when               you're               there.
               Yay.

Horray               for               physics.

And               chemistry.

Ah,               yes,               Chemistry.


               A               demonstration:
               Chapter               7
               Okay,               I'm               going               to               take               over               here               because               Jimmy               didn't               want               me               to               see               what               he               just               wrote.

No,               Jimmy,               stop!

Sorry.

He's               getting               in               my               face.

I               guess               he               really               doesn't               want               me               to               see               it.

We're               in               my               college               dorm,               by               the               way.

That's               where               we're               writing               this.

I               know,               I'm               a               pretty               good               writer,               right?

Jimmy               helped               me               a               bit.

Didn't               you,               Jimmy?
               Okay,               now               that               you               know               how               hot               my               hottie               is,               I'm               going               to               tell               you               about               the               party               I               went               to               with               him.

Or               the               dinner.

Or               the               religious               dinner               party.

Whatever               you               want.
               Me               and               Samantha               and               Jimmy.

That's               who               went.

I               suppose               you               want               me               to               get               to               the               meaty               part               already.

So               I               will.
               Enter               the               Chabad               house.

Rabbi               G:               "So               nice               to               see               you!

Aaahh.

Look               who               we               have               here!"               He               gives               me               a               smiley-face.
               Jimmy:               "Hey,               Rabbi               G."               He               walks               over               and               shakes               Rabbi               G's               hand.
               Samantha:               Stands               around               looking               awkward.
               Here:               why               don't               I               give               it               to               you               more               in               a               form               you               can               understand:
               CLARISSA:
               So               Rabbi               what's               new?
               RABBI:
               Not               much               Clarissa;               it's               Shabbos!

(he               smiles)               The               holy               day               of               rest!

Welcome,               welcome!

Sit               down,               please!
               [RABBI               bows               to               CLARISSA.]
               CLARISSA:
               Why,               thank               you,               Rabbi.

I               suppose               you               already               know               Samantha?
               RABBI:
               I               don't               suppose               I               do!
               CLARISSA:
               Well               would               you               mind               if               I               introduced               you?
               RABBI:
               Not               at               all!
               [RABBI               smiles               graciously.]
               SAMANTHA:
               Hi.

I'm               Samantha.
               [Samantha               sticks               out               her               hand,               nervously.]
               [Rabbi's               wife               sidles               up               out               of               nowhere.]
               RABBI'S               WIFE:
               Hello,               I'm               Miriam.
               RABBI:
               Miri,               get               out               of               the               way!

I'm               meeting               them               now!
               CLARISSA:
               Oh,               hi!
               RABBI'S               WIFE:
               Hi,               Clarissa!

Oh,               and               you               must               be               Samantha!

We've               heard               so               much               about               you!
               [Samantha               blushes.]
               RABBI:
               Sit               down,               sit               down!

Jimmy,               how               are               you?
               JIMMY:
               Good,               Rabbi.

And               you?
               RABBI:
               Ah,               Jimmy,               couldn't               be               better.

It's               Shabbos!

The               holy               day               of               rest!
               Don't               you               think               I               should               be               a               playwright               when               I               grow               up?

Maybe               when               I               finish               this               stupid               English               major.
               So               basically               this               is               what               happens:
               "Where               should               we               sit,"               Jimmy               whispers               to               me.
               "Where               do               you               want               to               sit?"               I               counter.
               "Let's               sit               here,"               Jimmy               announces.

He               points               to               a               section               in               the               corner.
               "Don't               you               think               that's               a               little               isolated?"               Samantha               whispers               to               me.
               "Here,               have               some               gefilte               fish!"               the               Rabbi               yells.

He               passes               the               dish               to               some               intermediate               people.
               "It's               the               same               color               as               my               cum,"               Jimmy               says.
               "Shut               up!"
               "What               did               you               say,               Jimmy?"               asks               the               Rabbi.
               "Um,               nothing."               He               gasps               and               giggles.
               "Shut               up,"               I               said               to               him               again.
               "Clarissa!

That               isn't               very               nice!"
               Rabbi               wasn't               daddy,               but:               "Okay,               daddy,"               I               said.
               "Okay,               daughter,"               Rabbi               chuckles.

"Okay.

Where               do               you               all               fit               in               here?"
               Rabbi               seats               us.
               "Jimmy,               why               are               you               laughing!"               I               ask               him.
               "Because               this               is               where               it's               about               to               get               nasty,"               he               says.
               "Stop               looking               over               my               shoulder."
               "I               just               want               to               see               exactly               what               you're               writing."
               "What,               so               you               can               gloat               over               what               happens               in               the               end?

We               already               know               that               one."
               "I               know,               too.

And               that               ending               is               about               to               repeat               itself."
               "Jimmy.

Must               you,               in               front               of               the               readers?"
               "Reader.

First-person.

You               must               remember               your               grammar,               Clarissa."
               "And               you               must               remember               your               manners.

Can't               we               skip               over               this               part?

You               know,               leave               it               to               a               short               story?"
               "What,               in               the               uncertain               future?

You'll               goad               me               into               not               writing               it."
               "You're               right.

You               need               me               to               write.

I'm               the               one               who               comes               up               with               most               of               this               shit,               anyway."
               "Fine.

Why               don't               I               take               over               the               writing?

This               is               the               part               where               the               aliens               start               to               invade               the               Earth,               anyway,               to               have               illicit               sexual               liaisons               with               humans."
               "I'd               rather               like               to               be               an               alien,               although               it               would               leave               me               worse-looking               than               I               am               now,"               I               purred.
               "Eew.

What               did               you               eat               for               breakfast               today?

Just               kidding,"               he               said.
               "Time               to               write,"               I               said.
               "Time               to               write."
               "Have               a               seat,"               Rabbi               says.
               We               take               our               seats.
               "I               have               an               inkling               this               is               going               to               be               a               long               evening,"               I               muttered.
               "Hush,               Clarissa,"               said               Jimmy,               carefully               folding               his               coat               and               placing               it               on               his               seat.
               "Um,"               I               say,               looking               up               from               my               seat               at               a               colorful               presence               in               the               doorway....

It               was               blurry,               I               couldn't               see,               then:
               "Neelee!"               I               cried.
               "Clarissa?"               Neelee               asked.
               "Neelee,               is               it               really               you?"               I               asked,               recalling               my               previous               dream.

It               couldn't               be               her....

definitely               not....
               "Clarissa?"               she               asked               again.
               "Clarissa,               it               looks               like               she               knows               you!"               said               the               Rabbi.
               Several               people               stirred               in               their               seats.
               Then               I               recognized               her.

It               was               her!

I               got               up               from               my               seat,               ran,               tripping               over               some               peoples'               feet               in               the               process,               and               stumbled               over.

A               couple               party-animals               ogled               at               me               on               the               way.

Ah               well,               too               bad               if               they're               animals               (aside).

Still               feels               good               when               I               fuck               them.
               They               really               are               animals,               though.

They               pant               and               snort               and....
               "Neelee!"
               "Clarissa!"
               "What               are               you               doing               in               America               ?"
               "What               are               you               doing               in               America               ?"
               "Fucking               random               people,               just               like               you."
               "Neelee!"               I               was               shocked.

"Language."
               The               Rabbi               was               talking               to               someone               else,               so               he               didn't               hear.
               "There               are               four               worlds...."               he               was               saying.
               --------------------------------FLASHBACK---------------------
               "His               name               is               Shaul,"               Rabbi               K.

was               saying.

"He               will               be               your               third               teammate."
               "No               shit,"               I               muttered.

"Fuck.

Whore.

Bicycle?"
               "Bicycle?"               whispered               Neelee.
               "Couldn't               think               of               anything               else               to               say,"               I               muttered               to               her.
               "So               girls,"               the               Rabbi               said.

"You               ready               to               compete?"
               "Not               yet,"               we               both               said.
               "Meet               Shaul,               then,"               he               said.
               He               left               the               room.
               A               pause.
               Then,               a               black-hat-clad,               young,               gullible               boy               walks               into               the               room.

And               an               awfully               arrogant               one,               at               that.
               "Hi,"               he               said.

"Where               can               I               find               Neelee               and               Clarissa?"
               "You're               talking               to               them,"               Neelee               said.
               "Oh!"               he               said.

"Nice               to               meet               you."               He               stuck               out               his               hand.

I               accepted               it.

Neelee               did               not.
               "Oh!"               he               said.

"You               are               shomer               nagia"               (you               don't               touch               men               before               you're               married).

"Very               religious!

We               should               do               well               on               the               competition!"
               I               was               starting               to               like               him               already.....

not.
               "Time               to               start               walking               away,"               I               whispered               to               Neelee.

Neelee               ignored               me.
               "Time               to               start               learning!"               Neelee               said               to               him.

"By               the               way,               do               you               speak               English?

I               detect               a               bit               of               an               accent!

Clarissa,               by               the               way,               is               from               America               !"
               "Oh,               really,"               he               said,               with               a               bit               of               a               jeer,               and               then               with               a               smile.

"Welcome               to               Israel               !

You               ever               been               to               Crown               Heights               ?"
               "No,"               I               stated.

Then,               I               remembered.

"Yes,"               I               said.

"Yes,               in               fact,               I               have."               It               was               back               in               the               fourth               grade...
               -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
               "Now,               Clarissa               and               Caleb,               you               have               to               be               on               your               very               best               behavior               when               we               visit               the               synagogue,               you               hear?"               my               father               said.
               "No,"               I               said.
               "No               talk-back,               you               hear?"               he               said,               and               slapped               me.
               It               stung.

Stung               like               a               bitch.

But               of               course               I               had               just               learned               that               word.
               Chris,               in               first-grade:
               "Daddy,               what's               a               bitch?"
               Just               kidding.
               Really,               he               said:               "Daddy,               I               have               to               go               pee-pee!"
               "We'll               find               a               bathroom               soon,"               he               muttered.

"First,               I               have               to               put               on               some               tefillin."
               "What's               tefillin?"               my               mom               asked.
               "Ceremonial               object,"               Dad               said.

"Arm.

Face.

Head,               I               mean.

Black               boxes.

Filled               with               some               kind               of               parchment."
               "What's               parchment?"               Chris               asked.
               "Animal               skin,"               my               dad               said.

"Dried,               written               on."               He               turned               around               to               see               a               Chossid               who               was               approaching               us.

"Oh,               there               you               are!"
               "Jerry!"
               "Shawn!"
               "It's               Moshe               now."
               "Moshey!"
               Moshey               slapped               my               father's               broad               backside               with               his               calloused,               dry               hand.

Lots               of               time               spend               shaking               other               peoples'               hands               in               synagogue.

I               look               at               his               face               to               see               his               long,               dangling               black               beard.

Not               so               much               like               a               booger-much               prettier.

Sort               of               like               a               carpet.
               I               wouldn't               want               to               have               one,               though.
               "You               brought               yours?"               Moshe               asked.
               "No,               forgot               them               at               home,"               Dad               said.
               "Why,               Alzheimers?"
               "Too               much               booze."
               "Ah,"               Dad               says.

"We're               back!"               

               *               An               Ars               is               an               impolite               term               for               those               Jews               of               Middle-Eastern               descent               who               enjoy               roaming               the               streets               with               big               bling,;               I               don't               know               why,               but               society               gives               them               the               name               "Ars"-               poison.

Perhaps               they               like               it;               they               call               it               to               themselves.






Image of stylish dress up games for girls






stylish dress up games for girls
stylish dress up games for girls


stylish dress up games for girls Image 1


stylish dress up games for girls
stylish dress up games for girls


stylish dress up games for girls Image 2


stylish dress up games for girls
stylish dress up games for girls


stylish dress up games for girls Image 3


stylish dress up games for girls
stylish dress up games for girls


stylish dress up games for girls Image 4


stylish dress up games for girls
stylish dress up games for girls


stylish dress up games for girls Image 5


  • Related blog with stylish dress up games for girls








  • Related Video with stylish dress up games for girls







    stylish dress up games for girls Video 1








    stylish dress up games for girls Video 2








    stylish dress up games for girls Video 3




    stylish dress up games for girls





























    Labels: , , , , , , ,